Dominos Domination


The nation is controlled by J. Patrick Doyle. Mr. Doyle, previously the CEO of Dominos Pizza, rose to power when schools all over the nation began offering Dominos meal plans. He is now the only American left. This is how the story goes:

College students obviously capitalized on the Dominos meal plan opportunity–Dominos is a delicious delicacy. Yet, what students didn’t know is that Doyle started adding a special chemical to all Dominos food that made it fully addictive. Students went through withdrawal if they didn’t have Dominos for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Students were happy, but only while they were eating Dominos. After each Dominos meal, they would sink into a deep depression and were overcome with regret…until the Dominos delivery guy showed up again for their next meal.

This had a few consequences. First of all, Dominos sales went through the roof. Doyle had enough money to open a Dominos within delivery range of every single American. Secondly, students began to deteriorate mentally and physically. As the saying goes, “you are what you eat.” Students’ brains ceased development and and their bodies ballooned to unhealthy levels. Thirdly, Doyle was able to hoard all of the healthy food left on the planet since everyone else only wanted Dominos.

As students graduated, their cravings for Dominos only intensified. This new generation became so obese that they could not move further than their door to pay the Dominos delivery guy. Reproduction became physically impossible. Slowly but surely, the population of America dwindled until only Doyle was left.

Now, in 2022, Doyle sits calmly at his desk. He has just watched the demise of America. As he gnaws on a carrot stick he says, “Next stop, China.”



5 responses to “Dominos Domination

  1. Although you take it to an extreme for comedy, the scary part is that Domino’s is sort of addicting. I’ve had disappointing nights when Domino’s refused to deliver after 12 on a weeknight.


  2. I kind of got a complex equality dominance feel with this: “Thirdly, Doyle was able to hoard all of the healthy food left on the planet since everyone else only wanted Dominos.” Awesome post!


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